2 weeks

let me say this before i forget. today i went to carol's place. it was great. then my parents came. and they screwed it all up. its just amazing how they consistently spoil what should be my happy and stress-free day. first it was the jazz fest. and now its this. there were so many other times they did this but this two occasions just stand out the most. why? because i start off feeling confident that they will understand my situation and not mess things up and dissapoint me. but they do exactly what i feared. the last time this happened, it took me almost 2 weeks to get my confidence in them and myself back. 2 weeks to pull my act together. 2 weeks to tell myself, fretting over things like this is just silly. 2 weeks. i hope i can do better this time and get back to my normal self (am i ever normal?) in maybe a day. shit. *close eyes* i can do it. im not gonna cry. why do i feel mad? i agreed to go home. everything is alrite *opens eyes* yes, everything is alright. *cry*

ok, maybe you're very blur now. let me start from the begining. start off with the jazz fest. my parents allowed me to go. which was great. cos the next day i was going for the evenstarr concert. they knew i loved both. even though i should study for PMR, they still allowed me to go. so that was so great. i was so happy they said yes. i thanked god. i was confident my parents were really very understanding ppl. so i went. we met and everything and had fun at the jazz fest. laughing, singing, swaying, talking. then we had to go back, it was 10 already. carol was supposed to send me home. so i went back to club with her. i wanted to stay on and watch some more. so i called mummy. i thought "if she allowed me to come here, of course she would let me stay until the whole thing ends. she's cool with me staying late". but no, some big fat misunderstanding ended up with carol gone home, me left there thinking mummy was gonna come and watch the jazz fest with me. when i called mummy again to confirm the plans, she practically screamed at me over the phone "what do u mean im gonna go there with you?? u think im so free?? daddy's going to fetch you and bring you to the hotel!! he has things to do!! u come here first!! no need to stay!!". i was heartbroken. you see, my parents and lil sis were at rajah court cos my dad was giving some seminar stuff and it was a big thing compared to my vain pleasure. i was choking back tears. i remember caroline fong was there, not far from me. i didnt want her to see me cry so i quickly called up diyana and told her everything and a bit extra. thank god for a friend like diyana who doensnt go like "right..", or asks questions and interogate me instead of listening or even worse laugh at me or make me feel like a total freak for feeling how i feel. i hate it when my frens do that!! she managed to cool me down a bit. when my dad picked me up (my mum and sis were at the hotel) he was telling me that the seminar was a total success. he was highly praised for taking the initiative to organise it. and my dad said he shed tears because his efforts were recognised and he felt very terharu. when he told me that, i felt so bad for being mad at him because if not for my dad i would have still been at the jazz fest. but there he was having his time of his life and his selfish little daughter just wanted to do her own thing and not celebrate and be happy for her dad. i felt so guilty but i felt so sad too...very dissapointed that my mum had to scream at me. i dont know how to say this!!! its the worst feeling in the world!!! its not really the jazz fest thing. more like i was dissapointed with my mum and guilty to my dad. we reached at rajah court. we went to the bar, it was empty, just my dad, his frens, my lil sis and my mum. i didnt want to talk at all. i didnt even look at my mum. i couldnt bear to look at my dad. my sis, i felt like stabbing her, stupid girl, invade my privacy, reads my stuff and take pride in it!! thinking that she knows me so well. my tears were already on standby mode. i just sat in one lonely corner, pretended to watch tv and started crying. when my sis came to my table, i pretented to sleep, covered my eyes and cried. and it just happened that some oldie song was playing "young girl, dont cry..." damn.

one of my weakness is that i dont like going against my parents decision. esp when its an important thing. usually i just twist my way around their words. if they say no, its no. i never say anything against it.

just now, my parents picked me from carol's house. i told them i was gonna call. but what the hell, they just came and fetched me at the time they liked. as if im some sort of library book. take and return when u like, dont care if kena denda or not. in the end the denda is my feelings. my feelings were hurt. and they dont seem to know. fine...they dont need to know. another problem with me...if i dont agree, i never voice it out. i feel so terrible and when they ask me if im ok, i say im ok but deep inside i'll be like "im not ok!! please make me admit that!! make me tell u that im not ok!!". still, i shut up and keep it inside. crazy freak...

when they came, i didnt want to go back. i didnt even say bye properly to my frens. lynn said bye though. amazing~ i went to the car and my dad was like, u want to go home? my heart said "no" but i stuttered out "yes". im still asking myself "why?" now. they were there. to fetch me. i knew i'll feel so bad if they were to go back again and i half-expected them to know that i'll feel bad. but they really convinced that i didnt want to stay. thanks to my fine lying/acting skills, my parents and lil sis were totally bluffed. my super ability to hide how i feel and disguise the situation im in is ending up with me suffering because i dont know how to tell people how i feel and im supressing all this crazy paranoia in me. in the car, i was like, "dont cry. im ok. im cool with going home now. dont cry. im ok. im cool with going home now. dont cry. im ok. im cool with going home now".

i started coughing up my dinner.

im not gonna be ok.